Clean or cleaner, and how much dirt is permissible? Mother says only the cleanest go to heaven – so that left the filth part of me to present a passport to the devil standing at a door of paint that was blistering with disgust.
And I was only four.
I said, “I will be the cleanest little boy the world has ever seen,” and she reminded me that almost no one in hell had intended to be there – that the only way to avoid its peril was to be the cleanest little boy in the world.
I said, “I will mommy.”
One day on my way to school, aged 12, I found some girlie mags’ left for the garbage men. Intuitively I knew these were dirty, very dirty. I tried to hide them but they were soon found by the cleanest Mom in the world.
She said you are going to hell son.
I knew better than to say I would never look again, that I was doomed to lust forever, that I would not be the cleanest little boy in the world any longer. My only question then was how could I please mommy and still be me?
I said “love me mommy, even as a sinner.”