I have been working too hard at this – like 3 to 5 hours a day too hard at this…oooooo I want to make this perfect…and if I do not “they” will not love me. I wish I could write that I am angry or disappointed and yes I am both of these things, but I can deal with either of these. The hard thing to deal with is that I feel like I am emptying myself a little bit everyday.
I want to be liked and loved and respected and yeah yeah so on and so forth, I want to be seen and who gives a rats fuck about another poet ranting and roiling on an almost anonymous wordpress blog.
Here is what I like about blogging – its discipline. I love it. I cherish it. I will write everyday because of it. I want to speak to the world…shout into its corners “I am somebody worthy of your attention.” But the sound that comes back from the world is not loud enough for me…and the acclaim I have received has not been received or heard by the bitter part of my heart.
So one of my motives, OK, my secret motive aside from acquiring the discipline to write daily for writing this blog was to find a community of poets who I felt were my peers – ie poets who wrote in a similar style to mine. I have not found them and I feel a bit bereft as a result of this.
Before I started writing this blog I was so superior minded about my poetry that I felt I was matchless as a poet and that is a wall that I am grateful has now come down – I know that I am not matchless as a poet now – I have come to find out that I am just different, not better or worse, just different (I learned that here, so thank you).
So here is my question to you who read this, can you direct me to any poet or literary journal that seems to share my sensibilities of poetry, or who writes or publishes poetry such as mine…?
Its getting kind of lonely in this jail…please send a hacksaw in a cake, or the above card; either will do…