Somewhere there is an end - but not now…I am reaching for a certain warm heart - the one belonging too… or maybe it would be better if you could call me. Please. Remember me? …I was your gift. I stood with you. I failed with you. I loved you…I did so perfectly with adroitness. I was an ember from your flame, an instrument in your symphony and then the parting stage…where I said, fight for me…please indicate a little struggle…I said I would leave should you ever succumb to your invented exhaustions…I did you know - I said…and then I did.
And now for the cruelty. I said I would forget you. I said don’t say hello when you see me - but we never have, have we - I mean see …well no we haven’t… you died before we had one last chance to…one more time. If - but, no not now. No it can’t happen now…fuck I wish it could. I wish, I wish, I wish it could. I wish it would happen that I could hear you sing again - your voice better than any on television, that’s what I use to say to you didn’t I?
I said that because I loved you like a boy. What is better than that. Better than the love of a boy who admires - who would do any thing if you would just smile again. And then I became a poet didn’t I Mom. A writer. Imagine. I can talk to you now. Imagine that I have magic. Imagine that I can remove migraines Mom, that I can do any thing as long as it can be done with words. I can, and I will use words mom; to reach you. I am not a lazy boy after all, am I? Watch, I am sending you a big word picture of you alive and well…like you always wanted…alive.
The pills. The laughter. The long drives - you and me - we did talk then didn’t we? You made me as important as… as… I know it’s bad to say, but I think you made me as important as Dad. Thats what I felt, what I wanted to feel, that I was important. Can I be important still. Will you drop a little rain on my head. Make or give some sort of sign. Just a lite little rain; your favorite leisure activity - watching the rain. Rain on me, and tell me your story…finally tell someone your story. What did someone do to you that made you so mean…crazy?
What would have had to happen to you in your past, to make you turn away from my undying loyalty. I don’t know…was it the Minnesota snow? The long, long silences…the great gaps in affection or something else - now no one will know. By the time I was 17 you were in a hospital. A state hospital. That is lonely, that is alone, that is the meaning of away…far from song - from laughter, from the voice of your children. And they did forget - your children forgot the sound of your coo’s. You did coo to us didn’t you? I hope you did. I want to remember that you did.
Me I am fine…better than you might expect…certainly better than your predictions…and nothing you ever did has, or ever will make me forget the gift that you gave…even though you spent most of your short life in fear - you did manage to give the gift of life, and for that I am forever in your debt…and for that I will forever remember you…
Thank You
Poetman
September 18, 2007 at 3:52 pm
so moving, and so very sad, mister poetman
September 21, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Thank You dAMe
September 23, 2007 at 5:21 pm
Your poem about your Mom, touched me deeply. It made me think…a lot. It made me sad, it made me cry. After I read your poem, I wrote the following and thought that I would share it with you………..A poet I’m not!
If only
If only I could tell you how much pain I’m in.
If only you would hold me and tell me everything will be all right.
If only I could tell you that my best friend is dying and have you listen.
Listen to the pain, the hopelessness and the fear in my heart.
Listen to me with sincere concern……with just a few tears in your eyes.
If only you would listen to what I have to say. No opinions, no counter exampling,
No blame. None of your usual “You should have, You could have” Or your “Whys?”
If only you had listened to me as a child, as a young woman and now as an adult.
Will you hear me when I’m no longer here?
Will I finally be able to talk to your when you’re not?
If only I was the perfect daughter, would you have listened tome?
If only I was the perfect daughter, would you have kept me?
Do you love me Mom?
If only I knew.
If only